Official NBC/ABC/CBS/CNN/MSNBC U.S. Approved News Dissemination Agency
Washington D.C. – March 2, 2032
It’s hard to believe that it has been twenty years since Sandra Fluke broke down the stone-age barriers thrown up to prevent students obtaining free contraception but time flies when you’re… uh… having fun. Senator Fluke has now moved on to more serious issues (currently sponsoring a bill to provide free I-pads to those who have been out of work for more than five years) but we thought it would be appropriate to take a look back at the last twenty years and the other trailblazers who have testified before Congress regarding the cost of other voluntary activities on campus:
2014 – I.M. Bauzin complained before Congress that the cost to keep him in Starbucks coffee continued to rise and his job at the windmill would not let him keep pace. With coffee being such an essential part of the college study experience as well as being necessary mornings after binge parties Congress agreed and, as you know, all students now receive unlimited free coffee.
2015 – Ralph Keggar made history by citing Ms. Fluke’s precedent in his testimony before Congress stating that “Sex is a prevalent voluntary activity on campuses across the country. The only activity which might be more common is drinking beer. If the cost of sex is covered why not cover the cost of beer?” Congress agreed and, as you know, all college students now receive unlimited free beer.
2019 – Jack Schtrapp made the unique claim of discrimination against athletes when he testified that, as an avid intramural basketball player, he went through 4-5 pairs of basketball shoes per year. We all remember when he said “If our now Senator from California could receive free contraception based on a cost of $3000 over her time at school I am entitled to the same amount for my chosen activity.” President Obama, acting like he wanted to continue to reign for a fourth term, responded by ordering Nike (still in business at the time) to provide free sneakers to all college students.
2022 – In probably the most significant testimony other than Ms. Fluke’s, Destiny Bacchanalia said, “Like, what good is the contraception and beer coverage if one of the major reasons to have it is, like, out of my reach financially? Like, my average costs for spring break would be totally more than $3000 for my six years at school. I could, like, go through that in, like, one year! Like, what about fairness?” Congress agreed and all students enrolled since 2023 have had mandatory spring break coverage.
2025 – In his testimony, Obama Bott (yes, he was named after our amazing, visionary leader) said “I have had great difficulty just making it to and from school at the beginning and end of the semesters. I can’t take the Nissan Leaf; at 40 miles per charge it would take three weeks. Our Chevy Volt caught fire so I can’t take that. Unfortunately, my only alternative is to take the gasoline engine car. I would never ever want to use anything coming from those evil oil companies but I have no choice and with gas getting near $19.00 a gallon I just can’t see how I’m going to make this work” (Yes, believe it or not, gas was only $19.00 a gallon just seven short years ago). In his first year using his current title of “Great Leader,” Barack Obama ordered Exxon/Mobil to provide free fuel to all college students for beginning and end of semster travel. Remember Exxon/Mobil?
2031 – Finally, just last year, Puff Marx 2 testified before Congress and convinced them that all students should just have a “voluntary activities expense account.” In his testimony he said, “Why keep having all these hearings about college students needing free this or that? The precedent is now set in stone going all the way back to Sandra Fluke. Why don’t you save the cost of all these hearings. After all, we are now $137 trillion in debt. Just reimburse all voluntary activities of college students.” Congress agreed and, as you know, passed the Voluntary Dollars Act of 2031. Students just submit an annual expense report of their “voluntary activities to Government Accounting and it’s all paid for. Every student in America now has access to VD.
Can you believe how far we have come in such a short time? Thank you Sandra Fluke.